On Labels: Family Integrated - Teaching Responsibility

I am not pointing a finger.  If I did, three would point back at me.

We do the easy thing.  As any good parent knows, in order to teach responsibility to your children, you have to do the following:

• Stop doing it for them
• Teach them how to do it
• Let them make mistakes
• If they won't listen, let them take the heat - allow them to face the consequences of their actions, but be there to pick them up and encourage them to try again

This can be a hard thing to do of course, because we don't like our children to suffer.

To show you what I mean, let us travel down to the Lambtons.  This [fictitious] family lives in Shieldcastlehope and we join them as dad [Laurie] gets his 12 year old daughter Lucy ready for school one morning.  There are uncomfortable echoes with someone not sitting too far from this computer...

Lucy finds it hard to get up in the morning.  Really hard!  She catches a bus to school.  In order to catch the bus, she has to be ready for school and out of the door by 8.00am.

Laurie also leaves for work at about the same time.  He can drive to work and drop her off at school, and occasionally does, but usually he gets the cheaper and more convenient Metro train.

The conversation goes something like this:

Colour Key:Dad

Lucy

Mam 

Lucy - are you ready, pet?

No.

What are you doin'?

Brushing me hair - I just cannat get it right!

Have you seen the time?

No.

Ha'way lass!  If you're not out in five minutes, you'll miss your bus.

Why didn't you tell me before?

You have to keep an eye on the time yourself!

But I'm tired!

Aren't we all!

Oh dad!  Can you give me a lift to school today?  Pleeeeeeease!!!  I slept in!

That's your problem!  I woke you up in good time.  You should have gett'n up earlier!  You have a bus to catch!

But daaad!  I'll miss the bus!

Your problem!  You should have thought of that when you decided to lie in for 20 minutes!

But daaaaad!  I'll be late again!  You always used to give me a lift when I was late.  What's changed?

I'm trying to teach you something this time, Lucy.

But daaaaaaaaad!  I'll get detention... again!  WHY can't you take me?  The car's outside! Maaaaaam!  Tell dad to take me to school today!

Well, Laurie - can't you take Lucy to school just this once, love?

I know it's hard, pet.  But this is the only way she'll learn.  We've warned her.  Now she'll have to face the consequences.  Mebbies this is the only way she'll get the message!

This scenario plays out up and down the land.  And the essential message is that we can't keep doing things for people when it's not our responsibility to do it.  Like dad, we need to begin to take away the supports and teach and equip people to do what they should have been doing all along... and stop doing it for them.  And if that means there will be some mistakes along the way, then so be it.

I want to put it to you now that there is something that Christian families are not doing that they should.  And in order to get scores of families doing the right things, we need a new type of church.  One that is currently quite rare.

Where are the Christian Families? Is this you?

Indulge me while I put finger to keyboard and show a bit of vulnerability.  This is the cry of my heart right now.

I know something of what Elijah felt when he said:

'I am the only one left and they're trying to kill me too!'  1Kings 19:10

Alright.  Nobody's trying to kill me, as far as I know.  But it's worse in a way.  There's an Enemy who is trying to destroy the Christian family.  And he knows very well, that if he destroys the Christian family, he's effectively destroyed the church.  I believe it's as simple as that.  And my wife and I get lonely.  Will anyone join us in fighting this battle for the family?  It can be done, but we'll win it more easily if we fight together!

Forgive me if I am being judgemental, but I despair of finding a well functioning Christian family anywhere.  Maybe someone will prove me wrong.  Granted, there are a few.  All the ones I know are a good drive away from here though.

So let me ask you something.  Is this you?

• You are married with children.  Both of you love the Lord, pray and read the Bible most days both separately and together. Okay, lets throw in single parents. You have an ongoing walk with the Lord. It is the most important relationship you have.
• You take the Bible very seriously. It really is the final word.
• You take your children to church. You teach your faith to your children through regular organised bible studies and prayer at home, casual discussion and setting an example. You don't leave it to the church to do all of that for you.
• Your children (even the teenagers) are relatively well behaved and do not have a wild or rebellious spirit.
• Dad - you play your part as the head. You are ultimately responsible for teaching and disciplining the children and you take this seriously. Having said that, both of you work as a team in this respect. Single mam - you work at this also, leaning on the Father to the Fatherless (Psalm 68:5) and teaming up with other families in the church seeking good male role models.
• You show lots of love and affection to your children, (try really hard, by God's grace, to) stay even tempered and build a strong bond of love them.
• You prayerfully and carefully consider issues such as your children's education, the media they are exposed to, the holidays they go on, the friends they spend time with, the chores they do and their interests. Without stifling them, you develop healthy interests and activities in their children.
• You prayerfully guide your children towards good jobs and suitable marriage partners, protecting them from sexual predators as they grow older and finding suitable social activities where they can make the right friends.
• You live in (or very near) Sunderland.
• You have time to make new friends.

If so, let's join together in the Lord, for the sake of the next generation.  We may be only a tiny remnant, but God has the habit of raising up small remnants to fulfill His purposes!

Men For God: The Christian Soldier

Where the fighting is the fiercest
In the Battlefield of Life

There you'll find the Christian Soldier...
Represented by his wife

Heard once in a sermon.

How Church Ministries Destroy Families 5: The Dire Shortage of Christian Families

I'll stay with the Asian theme. My home town – population of about 60,000 – contained a number of churches, all of them relatively small. In a place like this, you get to know the Christian community quite well. Youngish Christians are not common.

I do not say this in a spirit of criticism. But most of the evangelical and charismatic believers fall into the following categories:

• Elderly or middle aged men, women and couples whose children have flown the nest – both physically and spiritually. There are several aging churches which have some ministries to children and youth, yet they have largely failed to pass on their faith to the next generation.
• Wives of unbelieving husbands. And husbands of unbelieving wives.
• Single mothers. Some who have never married, some who have divorced.
• Christian Families! By this, I mean a dad, a mum and one or more children of school age, all of which are, to some degree, Christians.

Believe me, the latter category is in the minority. I remember one day trying to think how many actual Christian families there were in the North East town I then lived in. I could count the number on one hand.

I asked a Muslim neighbour how many reasonably committed Muslim families there were in our part of town. She said about fifty that she knew of. And there were more elsewhere.

I had to ask myself a serious question. Who has the brighter future in my town? About 30 churches and three Mosques. No worries....? Think again. Lots of broken Christian families. Lots of complete Muslim families. Fifty young Muslim families my friend knew of. Less than five young Christian families I knew of. Now who has the brighter future?

In my part of the world, strong Christian families are a rarity. We need strong marriages, responsible fathers, Christ centred homes.

Wake up, church!

How Church Ministries Destroy Families 4: Titus

I had some opportunities a few years ago to do quite a bit of teaching from the Bible.

Perhaps I learned more than the congregation.

Teaching through that wonderful little letter to Titus was, for me, breath-taking, jaw dropping, paradigm shifting. How can Paul say so much in so few words? I will not reproduce my notes from that time, but I will go through what Paul doesn't say to Titus. This is what taught me so much!

What the letter to Titus does not say:

- Pick the most charismatic (in any sense of the word) or the most skilled or the most talented and clever or most pushy men, or some yes-men to be elders
- Forget the old folks. Concentrate on the Youth. They're the future of the church!
- Emphasise bringing your unsaved friends to church
- Spend lots of time trying to debate, satisfy or win over difficult people who don't like the way you do things.
- At all costs avoid conflict. Go for the quiet life. Just let trouble-makers have their say. Maybe they'll calm down if you're nice.
- The world is watching your church closely to see if it is relevant, entertaining, trendy and comfortable. They're not that bothered about your morality or integrity.
- You need to set up lots of ministries to the community. Get your people into social action!
- Entertain that congregation, preacher! Keep clear of difficult issues and don't challenge or correct people too much. You might put them off!
- Escape those oppressive shackles of home life girls! Get out of that home and get a job!

Anyway, I'm sure you get my drift. Looking at Titus made me think we do too many complicated things, but overlook the important things, like choosing Elders of good character, making sure the older folks are setting a good example to the youngsters and keeping our homes in good order.

I would encourage any church to put a month aside and go through Titus, an overlooked jewel.  And put its lessons into practice.

How Church Ministries Destroy Families 1: The Drop in Centre

It's the mid 1980s. I'm a new Christian.

A lovely Christian lady, Sally* is a pillar of our church, St James*, which is on a busy shopping street. She runs a drop in centre through the week and some evenings. She spends lots of time counseling those who pop in for a coffee. Her son is in my class at school. The drop in centre was a great outreach and lots of prayer requests filtered down from Sally.

I was mentored at the time by a marvellous old lady called Harriet. Ex-missionary, intercessor, warrior for Christ... and the church warden at St James. Also, she didn't suffer fools gladly. She was the one that told me. Sally's husband Ted, who had been faithfully by her side at church for many years had decided he'd met the woman off his dreams. He was having an extra marital affair. Their marriage was over.

I will never forget Harriet's comments. She was highly critical of the church leadership for allowing this situation to develop. Ted would regularly come home to a son but no wife – she was too busy working at the drop in centre. She should have been there for him! But the church wanted her for their valued ministry.

I'm sure there was more to it than that. But I'd learned an important lesson. Churches should not be 'flogging their members to death', bleeding them dry when they have families to support, husbands, wives, children etc. Something is seriously wrong when church ministry causes marriages to break up.


*All names have been changed.

Men for God: How did we get here?

In my early years as a Christian, in the 1980s, 'Christian feminism' was fashionable. I was an avid reader of Christian books, and I read a number of books stating that the church had been too male dominated and we need to invite the ladies into our leadership teams. For sometime now, sex discrimination had been outlawed and there was a push for women to have equal rights in all parts of society, including the churches. But was the church following the spirit of the age or the Spirit of the Lord?

Of course, the Brethren and the more Reformed churches stood against this along with the odd Pentecostal church and House Church stream, but from mainstream Evangelicalism, leader after leader fell into line with the feminist viewpoint and the vast majority of churches proudly got to work appointing female Elders, Priests, Ministers and Pastors. One of the few nationally known leaders who swam against this tide was David Pawson, who wrote a small book, 'Leadership is Male' in contrast to the flood of literature on the opposite side, thus making himself quite unpopular for a while. At about the same time, a much heavier volume came out across the Atlantic entitled 'Restoring Biblical Manhood and Womanhood' by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. I read both of these books and found their arguments far more convincing. But going with my convictions on this one left me in a lonely minority in the churches I was part of.

Meanwhile, in the rest of Christendom, not only were the ladies being ordained, not only were they revamping the Anglican Service Book with 'inclusive language' but they were retranslating the Bible itself to change male pronouns with neutral language. So, for example, the NIV no longer read:

A wise son heeds his father’s instruction (Proverbs 13:1), but
A wise child heeds a parent’s instruction.

My old NIV says in Matthew 4:19:
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I make you fishers of men.”

It now says:
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”

I find this very concerning. Systematic mistranslating of the Bible to suppress a teaching is a grave error.

Have another look at the two scriptures above. Both of them, if taken at face value, would have serious implications about how we live our Christian lives. Fish for people. To keep to the fishing metaphor, we are letting the men off the hook. So in our evangelism, we no longer go hard after the men, seeking specifically to win them. Parents? So as a father, it is no longer primarily my responsibility to instruct my children. I can let the wife do it all. These mistranslations fit in well with our modern women and children centred churches. Jesus made it his top priority to reach and disciple men. Our churches no longer do. Our Bibles no longer tell us to.

This issue has revealed how deeply the church has lost its way to:

1. The fear of men...or cowardice ('What do people think?' rather than 'What does God think?')
2. Pragmatism ('Is it blessed?' rather than 'Is it right?')
3. Subjectivity ('What are my feelings about this?' rather than 'What does God say about this?')
4. Rebellion ('What do I want to do?' rather than 'What has God commanded us to do?')
5. Marketing ('What is our outward image?' rather than 'What is our inward reality?')

We have reaped our harvest. In our churches, women normally outnumber men. In some cases it's by a factor of 2:1 or even 3:1. And the men we are left with are frequently weak and passive. What is to be done?

Watch this space.