On Forgiveness 6: What Happens if I am Abused?

Christians teach that we live in a ‘fallen’ world.  There is a lot of evil around.  We are born with a tendency to disobey God, to live for ourselves.  So it is very easily to get hurt, not only physically but emotionally.  We can hurt others deeply too and not even realise it.

Here are just a few examples:

·    A boy was constantly interrupted when he was small and was seldom listened to.  He ended up with a stammer.

·    A girl is taken from her parents when she is a baby because they are drug addicts and live a chaotic life.  She is adopted.  She constantly misbehaves, challenges her adoptive parents and does not accept their love.

·    A boy was laughed at and put down by parents and other boys at school for being skinny.  At the age of eleven, he was touched inappropriately by a female medical professional when he was being examined.  He developed a liking for pornography.

·    A girl from a talented family is rejected, laughed at and put down by her family for being ‘thick’.  From her teens onwards, she becomes rebellious, uses drugs, is sexually promiscuous and makes poor relationship choices.

I could write a very long list of all the things that may affect us.

When we suffer pain that is too deep for us to deal with in any normal, natural way, we ‘bury’ it.  In other words, the memory remains locked inside of us but we do not consciously recall it.  We develop an outer ‘shell’, a kind of hard exterior to protect ourselves from the memory.  We may dress or behave in a way that warns people off getting too close to us.  This can make it hard for us to develop really deep relationships and we will have a feeling of emotional dullness.  If we have always lived with that, we may not even realise it is there.

To stop ourselves from getting hurt, we may become risk-averse.  So we shut ourselves away and stop getting into any relationships that may hurt us.  We may stay away from people and over-indulge in eating, drinking, watching hours of television, fantasy books and films, pornography and so on.

The emotional dullness we feel is also unpleasant and we will crave ‘real’ feelings.  If we have a sociable nature, we will look for others with similar interests.  In order to feel ‘alive’, we indulge in various habits with them, which could include:

• Recreational drugs
• Parties, pub-crawls
• Alcohol, drunkenness
• Casual Sex
• Extreme sports

In either instance, we will find it impossible to develop real, genuine, loving, long-term relationships with others.

Why is the memory we have buried so hard to uncover?  I want to suggest a couple of the most common reasons.

1. Recalling the incident brings so much revulsion and hatred to the surface that we would be embarrassed to show that much emotion and we may feel a deep sense of guilt and shame over how we feel.  We become further traumatised.
2. Our hatred may be turned in on ourselves.  We blame ourselves.  To admit to ourselves, or anyone else that that is how we feel would bring further trauma.

In both cases, in order to be restored, we will need to forgive either ourselves or others. This is the first step to being healed and restored. Our reaction to pain is to either:

• blame ourselves, so we then need to forgive ourselves, or
• grow bitter towards the person or people who have hurt us, so we need to forgive them.

Sometimes we will have an irrational anger towards people like those who have hurt us. There may be a personality type we react badly to or simply avoid because they ‘represent’ the person who hurt us.

When we receive God’s forgiveness for our sins, we are in a safe place. The bible says,

...hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:5

Jesus said:

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

When we are in the safe place of God’s loving presence, we can gradually, one by one, unlock the painful memories, protected from the pain we originally felt.

Having the help of someone who is mature helps. I love the proverb quoted in the picture. To be a man or woman of understanding, who can lovingly listen and 'draw somebody out', so that the pain can be healed is a great gift.

Back to the Gospel 6: Is 'Friendship Evangelism' Creepy?

My books and churches taught me this:

The key to evangelism is to make lots of non-Christian friends, spend time with them, earn your right to speak and invite them along to church activities, from barbecues to guest services, from Alpha courses to baptisms.

I had problems with this.

1. I'm an introvert!!! I only make a few friends.


2. I'm really busy!!! If I build friendships, I neglect my work, family etc.


3. I want to share the gospel with people. It had a powerful effect on my life. But nobody's shown me how! When I open my mouth, it sounds weak and pathetic or too condemning or 'heavy'.


4. Making friends so that I could share the gospel later feels ‘creepy’ to me. I'm not really being buddies because I want to be with them. I'm just softening 'em up so that after a few hours/weeks/months I can invite them to church! It’s a bit like dating a girl and waiting till you’ve really got them hooked before you tell them you have a criminal record or are tens of thousands in debt or have some shameful habit!!!

Do we see any really solid models of ‘friendship evangelism’ in scripture? There are two passages that are commonly quoted by advocates of friendship evangelism.

Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.


1 Corinthians 9:19-23

If this is Paul’s manifesto for friendship evangelism, a quick look at what he says just beforehand presents a challenge:

Yet when I preach the gospel, I cannot boast, for I am compelled to preach. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!


2Corinthians 9:16

So... Paul’s first priority is to preach the Gospel. He is not spending hours, weeks or months priming people up to ‘earn the right’ to say something.

Secondly, this passage gets used:

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us.


1Thessalonians 2:8

Interesting that Paul again mentions sharing the gospel before he talks about sharing his life. But again, a look at the context is very significant. Look at Paul says just before this.

We had previously suffered and been insulted in Philippi, as you know, but with the help of our God we dared to tell you his gospel in spite of strong opposition. For the appeal we make does not spring from error or impure motives, nor are we trying to trick you. On the contrary, we speak as men approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts. You know we never used flattery, nor did we put on a mask to cover up greed—God is our witness. We were not looking for praise from men, not from you or anyone else.

1Thessalonians 2:2-6

‘Nor are we trying to trick you’!!!! I told you I found ‘friendship evangelism’ creepy! I think Paul would have too.

On occasion, the Bible actually tells us not to make friends with certain people:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.


2Corinthians 6:14-16

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1:1

He who walks with the wise grows wise, 
 but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 13:20

Do we just not bother with these people? Or do we go with them to pub crawls and nightclubs and trust that we won’t be drawn in to sin?

I’m going to say something that some people won’t like.

In the Bible, there was no such thing as ‘friendship evangelism’ as it is defined today.

The early Christians used what I will call proclamation evangelism. And that is what we are commanded to use!

The Lord's message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere.


1Thessalonians 1:8

How effective is proclamation evangelism compared with friendship evangelism?

I have no scientific studies, but I would like to quote from a UK evangelist called Korky Davey, who is a big believer in ‘proclamation’ in the streets, in parks and in schools. I recommend his free e-book 'Biblical Patterns of Evangelism'...

http://www.korky.info/book/Biblical_Patterns_of_Evangelism_Today.pdf

Experience in Spain and Portugal shows that it takes about 15-20 years to establish a fellowship of about 25 people when personal evangelism is the only method employed. Bill Wooten, a missionary in Portugal, told me that his reliance on personal evangelism had meant that building a relationship with a Portuguese family to the point where he could share the Gospel with them took about a year. Most of those he got to know ultimately proved not to be interested in the Gospel. The Operation Mobilisation strategy for Italy was for each of their families to evangelise one Italian family each year. On that basis it would take thousands of years to reach the population - yet for some extraordinary reason many of those involved in missions regard friendship evangelism as the only responsible and effective way to do the job. Many of them seem to be hung up on the idea that one needs to earn the right to speak. Fortunately the Apostles did not suffer from these sort of hang-ups and regarded the preaching of the Gospel as their prime function in every town.

He says the following about ‘proclamation’ evangelism...

Around about 800 people passed through our training programme over the last thirty years with the result that we have experience first hand in about 17 countries. In Albania, a very unlikely couple have over the last 15 years established 36 new fellowships across the south of the country with 9,000 converts - mainly through mobilising and training local evangelists. The potential is enormous, pretty well everywhere. Various other teams have successfully got similar ministry patterns going on the streets in Europe.


Vienna, Austria - Better than an Alpha Supper!


Aluche, Spain - Better than a Guest Service!



Conclusion. Don’t spend countless hours ‘befriending’ before you say anything. Learn how to proclaim the gospel early. Real friends are 'upfront' with people!!! Be 'upfront' with the Gospel. Like Jesus, the apostles and the most effective Christians throughout the ages.

Men for God: Our Responsibilities in the World

Another thing, fellas.

We need to take responsibility for our churches.

This is not a discussion over what offices men and women should have – interesting though that is. Don't leave it all to your pastor or elders. You'll make their job so much easier if you find some brothers and start fellowshipping with them. Tell them your news, how the week has gone, what the family is up to. Find out how they are. How are they doing at discipling their family? And ask pointed questions about their walk with the Lord. Offer to pray with them. Discuss what scriptures you are reading and what the Lord is saying to you through them.

Finally:

We need to take responsibility for the world around us

We can do that by learning a skill. Find something to do, preferably with your hands, that will be of practical benefit to society. Do you notice how so many of the heroes of scripture were called when they were doing a job of work? They were shepherds, fishermen, government officials, students, tent makers, fig tree growers. Jesus, of course, spent most of his adult life as a carpenter (although the Greek 'Tekton' may actually mean stone mason or builder). If it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for us! Your day job is your sacred calling. Pastors and missionaries are not on some higher spiritual plain. God would rather have a good, faithful, diligent cleaner, accountant, farmer, mechanic or nurse than a bad minister, vicar or missionary.

Greed is wrong, but it isn't wrong to earn a good living so that you can support the Lord's work, or support a wife and some children. Try and earn enough so that your family can be well cared for and educated, so that your wife can focus on bringing up the children without too much stress and distraction.

But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.
1Thessalonians 4:10b-12

Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labour, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.
Ephesians 4:28

Do you see a man skilful in his work?
He will stand before kings;
he will not stand before obscure men.
Proverbs 22:29

Be a man. Take responsibility.